2013!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas this past week. I cannot believe how fast time flies! I am sad that the excitement of the holiday season is coming to an end but the stress of it is officially over. Praying that 2013 will be the year for John and I. We had such a beautiful Christmas with our family. First time in years that both my brothers were here which made the holiday that much sweeter. It was definitely hard saying good bye and returning to work but life must keep going...
This Christmas seemed harder than the previous ones but I stayed strong- most of the time and my wonderful husband was there for me throughout it all. I have no idea where I would be without him. We are continuing to try to stay positive and John truly believes this is our year- I have to believe it too, he has such a  positive presents about himself. Through all the ups, I did have downs, the the thought of family and the joy of Christmas morning, and my regular self thought got to me a few times. I was good until I was at the store and the nice little lady behind the counter asked me if I wanted the babydoll in a large bag so I can sneak it in the house without my little one seeing it. I made it out of the store but not to the car without tears streaming down my face but again, John was right there and held my hand and kissed my forehead. The holidays are always a reminder for us that its been another year without our dreams being answered. 2013 2013 2013- it will be our year!!

Saying that, I need to figure out how to make extra money to start our baby fund. Hoping January we will be able to get it rolling. We just don't have enough coming and staying in to be able to save nice chunks of change. I want to get a second job but don't have a way to do it with having one car and working throughout the entire day. I need like a side job, to make things or something like that. If anyone has any ideas let me know! At least to get the ball rolling...
Love ya all and please have a safe New Years!!!!!

Loving and Amazing Husband

Normally, my blog is a way to get the drama of my infertility off my chest so I don't explode. Today however, I want to take a minute to talk about my wonderful and supportive husband. Without him, there would be no us and no dream of a little one. Knowing that I have him in my corner brings me comfort. Days may past when we do not talk or bring up the baby stuff but I know it goes without saying, everyday, he will do whatever it takes to make my- and our dreams come true. I know that this has been very hard for him as well even though he does not wear his feelings on his sleeve like I do. But, when I'm on the emotional and physical roller coaster he is right there on it with me. It is hard sometimes for me to thank him enough or to let him know how much he means to me. We both are in better places because of each other.
Saying that, I came home last night to a gift from my husband that made me cry like a baby. He bought it for me and said he just couldn't wait til Christmas to give it to me. Well, he bought me a bracelet but not any old bracelet but a PCOS Fertility Bracelet. Each stone, jewel, and charm means something in the fertility world. I absolutely love it and wish I would never have to take it off.

So here it is...

Sorry this is as big as I can make it. For some reason all the pictures upload in "portrait"...

Holiday Time

Things here are the same. Always staying hopeful but wondering when our time will come. I'm looking forward to the holidays and cannot believe Thanksgiving is next week! The holidays are always fun and brings our family closer. I'm really looking forward to our trip down to Fresno and then to Monterey. We did Monterey last year at Thanksgiving and it was beautiful! We were there for the tree lighting ceremony, carolers, and even Santa not to mention being at the ocean. I can't wait. The holidays on the other hand are very hard at the same time. It's a reminder that it's been a whole other year without accomplishing our dream. It reminds me every year when we say by Christmas next year.. Or how special Christmas would be knowing there's a little one on the way and their first Christmas present from us. It's all things that we don't stop thinking about. But during this time it feels amplified.
I do want to thank everyone for all of your love and support. All the different ways from thinking about you cards to emails to Ellen, wishes to radio stations and daily thoughts and prayers. Without all of you, times like now would be even harder. I'm most thankful for all of you! Thank you!!

Lying Here With My Mind Going a Mile a Minute

I'm lying here with my wonderful husband on one hip and my protective dog on the other. Most nights I feel so content and happy knowing I have two very important things in my life with me, but tonight I cannot help but feel empty. I know I shouldn't feel this way. That I should be happy with all that I have and not dwell on the things that I do not. But it's been hard very hard lately and I cannot seem to get out of this funk. And now it is midnight and I am hours past my bedtime but I cannot get my mind to turn off. It is going a mile a minute with no letting up. I am very thankful for the life that I have and the wonderful, caring, and understanding husband that is my world. I have an amazing family and loving friends but I feel incomplete. Like my heart has a hole in it that is desperately wanting to be filled and is aching while waiting for that time to happen. I nor is John ever giving up but as the days, months and years continue to fly by with no sign of anything changing, I have to wonder if it will ever happen. Days like today when, when I am down, seem to be more frequent and it scares the hell out of me. I'm scared that I will continue to have that hole that will never be filled, though throughout all of this I can be forever thankful for my relationship with John. I truly believe we have grown stronger and closer with every passing week. I cannot believe how strong he is and I know for a fact I would not be a strong as I am without him. Thank you to him and thanks to all of you. You guys are the ones that keep me sane and positive. I would be nowhere without you all as well.
Thank you with all of my heart!

Hey guys it has been a while...

Hey guys it has been a while... Well, first things first nothing has changed on the whole baby front. We are still thousands and thousands away from our goal to be able to do IVF. Though we are trying and not giving up- one way or another we will grow our family... Also, the pills that I was taking- Fertil Aid did not work. Not only did it not regulate my system it created even more havic to it. I was on a period for over 2 months! Not sure if it is my messed up system that was the cause or the pills but the ingredients in the pills were mainly the same ingerdiants as prenadals and I have taken them before so I really dont think they were the cause of it all. I started the week I left for my Florida trip in July and have had it since. I went to the doctors in mid sept for a lovely pap and to ask what to do about my abviously too long of a period. The doctor did not seem too worried about it but said that we need to get it under control. So fearing of what she was about to say she put my on a month of birth control pills- not something someone wants to hear when all she ever thinks about is getting pregnant. But I chalked it up and did not even cry. I figured better now then later on down the road when things could be a lot more serious. Out of the one month of pills it took a week and a half until my body stopped feeling nauseated from the medicine. I tried taking it in the evening hoping to sleep the feeling away and it still did no good. I woke up constintly feeling as if I was going to be sick, but my period had stopped so I wanted to continue knowing that was what my body needed to do. So, finally I start feeling better as a whole and then two days ago (still having 2 weeks left of this one month) I start cramping and bloating horribly. And then it came this sickning period from hell complete with cramping and clotting! I wouldnt feel so out of it if it was something I expected like when I was on my fertility medicine- you knew it was coming(if you wernt pregnant) this time though, it completly hit me off guard and hit me like a bag of bricks. I went to email my "girly" doctor to ask her whats going on but she is out of the office until later this week so I emailed my fertility doctor hoping she can help. I told her that I know my body is "special" but I need to know if I am ok. My pap came back fine and my uterus looked and felt fine at my last appointment so I dont know what is gong on. It would be different if I was at the end of the birth control pills but I am a little over half done and going crazy! All I want is something- anything to go right!!! There has to be good news out there somewhere. Im going nuts with all the negative feeling lately. I need/want good feelings, its just so hard to do when you get hit over and over...

Taking One Day at a Time

Hey everyone I hadn't written in awhile so I figured I should. Things here are the same for the most part. John and I have started our plan/budget to start saving the most amount we can without starving or going with no electricity. Hopefully this will be month one with the whole execution of our plan. It is going to take much longer than I would ever hoped it would but at least I feel that we are on the right track. On another note, John and I purchased Fertilaid and I have been taking it for 23 days now. So far I am pleased with the pills. There were people who were complaining about upset stomachs and not feeling good after taking them. I have learned through experience that with any kinda vitamins, you cannot take them on an empty stomach. Fertilaid is suppose to regulate your system which interns helps with cycles and also counts as a prenatal vitamin as well. I normally do not get periods due to my lack of ovulation but since taking it I have already had a period and I have a better way of tracking what is happening in my body. I am hoping to start my period again so I can have a timeline and something I can work with. The next step is hopefully ovulating and timing it all correctly. But for right this moment I am very happy that a period has even come. Now to wait and see hopefully in the next 3ish weeks it will come again. It is hard to say- my cycles are always long, even when taking fertility meds, they were a 35-45 dayish cycle. (the average is 28 days). But I will be keeping my fingers crossed, hoping to be able to start that savings account, and praying that this may work one day-in the not too far future. The hardest part is just taking one day at a time but I know one way or another our hopes and dreams will come true! Love y'all!

Feel Like Screaming... lol

Lol is because I am trying to stay positive throughout everything and for some reason reading lol makes me smile. I truley feel like screaming on the inside. I feel like we are never going to reach our goal and that there are too many objects and things that are blocking us from getting where we want to be. I know I have said this before but I do not understand why it has to be so hard. I dont want life to be easy- that would make it no fun but a little help would lift so much stress off my shoulders. I do not sleep at night like I use to. I cannot seem to turn my mind off making me exhausted throughout the day. My energy level is completly drained and I hate that. I wake up go to work come home eat dinner and go to "sleep" because I dont have the energy to do anything else. It is very frustrating to not have control of my emotions/body. I have talked to my fertiltiy doctor concerned about my PCOS and the effects it has been having. Honestly she didnt sound like there was too much that I can do. She said I can go to therapy and talk about these issues and that may help with stuff. Also, if I loose weight I should feel better as well. But I didnt get any help and support with dealing with my PCOS. She told me straight up that women with my serverity of my condition almost impossible to loose weight. So saying that how the hell am I suppose to do it. She recommended a few websites which I have have found helpful and told me to look into a product callled FertilAid. It looks interesting. Kinda pricy but no where near the price of fertility treatments. She said that everyone is different and that many women have found this helpful and were able to regualte the cycles but that was the same with clomid- works for most but not for me. I want to be positive about it and I am definitaly thinking about trying it It is at least worth a try. If it would help even a little bit then I think it will be worth it. Heres the website for it and the page about PCOS. ... Just wondering what your thoughts are...
http://www.fertilaid.com/pcos-infertility.html
Its not something that my dr can perscribe beacuse it is not something they work with but she has heard good things about it...

Mentally Drained

I have been doing so well with many new events and things going on in my life right now. I have focused a lot on thinking and researching different adoption options and how to move forward. Timing and money seems to be the key to everything- just like everything else in life. As I continue to work towards my ultimate goal of having a child my husband and I can love and call our own, my heart is aching for it to happen. I have been thinking a lot lately about IVF and our options on that. It has never been something that we wanted to give up on but it still seems so out of reach. I haven't been sleeping at night because I cannot turn my brain off. The thoughts and worry of never being pregnant or adopting scares the crap out of me. Wondering if our luck financially or any of our luck will turn around. At least when we were doing our treatments we were trying everything in our power to make this happen. But now I feel lost. The doctors will not do anymore treatments because my body cannot handle anymore and I understand that. It's just a very hard concept to grasp. Our only option is IVF now and right now that is not an option. People say to just save money and you will get there. That is so not the case. Ya we can save- were trying to as we speak. But living pay check to pay check does not give us a lot of room to wiggle. I am thinking about getting a second job so that money would go directly into a savings account but with how exhausted I am
now concerns me but I've done three jobs at once- I can do two but still at this rate we are looking at years before we would be able to come up with enough money to give it a try. In the grand scheme of things $10,000 is not a lot of money and many people can come up with that money in days- I just don't know those kind of people. I hate this feeling. It doesn't go away. I was hoping that as time went on and life moves on, as it goes so quickly, that the pain would not continue to hurt as bad but as of now I was wrong. If anything it gets worse and the light after the tunnel seems to get dimmer and dimmer. I'm praying that one day these thoughts, worries and pain will be just a distant memory from the past and oh what a story we can tell our little one but til then it's just seems so hopeless.

PCOS Craziness

My good friend sent me a link to information about PCOS. Throughout my infertility, trying to come up with money for IVF and looking at possible ways for adoption, I have thought less and less about my disease PCOS. Which I should definitely not do. I have a very dangerous "degree"  of PCOS which can cause many hardships throughout my life and my health. Sometimes I think it is too much to think about and the always questions of "why me?" Life is hard enough without the additional issues that I have now because of PCOS. I have a loving husband and a wonderful 17 year old step son but sometimes I want more. Knowing there is a piece of me (and John) that is missing and we cannot fill it at this time. No matter what we do oer how much we save my PCOS is causing this heartache. Talking about it helps a little but so many do not fully understand the hardship. Things have gotten worse health wise and I have to figure out how to fix it. It has seemed to take over while I was/am busy with all the other life things that we have to do. One day I would love to wake up and have even one prayer answered. John does such an amazing job at keeping things positive. It was not for him, I do not know where I would be now but I sure know I would not be as well. Well here is the info my friend sent me and I hope it helps my followers to understand PCOS and may give you light on the health risks that is causes.
Thanks for reading!

Short and Sweet...
Polycystic ovary syndrome

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) occurs when a hormone imbalance interferes with normal ovulation. PCOS is a major cause of infertility; if it is not treated, it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease.

Common symptoms of polycystic ovary syndrome include irregular menstrual cycles, weight gain, acne, male-pattern hair loss, and male-type hair growth on the face and body. Symptoms may occur early in the condition or develop gradually.

The cause of polycystic ovary syndrome is not fully understood. Genetics are a factor.

There is no known cure for polycystic ovary syndrome. Treatment focuses on correcting reproductive hormone levels, metabolism problems, and body weight.

Thankful

Goodness, I have been feeling overwhelmed with life right now. Everything seems so complicated. Through the compication and the crazy rollercoaster ride, John and I have seemed to have gotten closer-if that is even possible. We have had a relationship from day one that I never knew was even something that can exist. But throughout these past two years of 16 different fertility cycles we have become inseparable. Emotionally there is no way that I could get through everything that we have been through without his love and support. He has been behind me from day one. May 8th will be our "first date" anniversary of 6 years. I cannot believe how time flies but it is amazing when I am with him!
So onto a different note, John and I applied for the IVF loan in hopes that a miracle would happen and we would actually be approved. Unfortunately, though it didn't happen. It was something that we had come to terms with because in our hearts we already knew what the results would be- It was like playing the lotto. We all do it in hopes and prayers with dreams of what will happen if our numbers would be chosen and of coarse the let down afterwards.
I have talked to many different people offering support, stories and suggestions on the want for adoption. I can honestly say I am very excited about what may come out with this. It is great to see and hear from friends and family- even ones that I may not hear from often talking about how they support and want to help us in any way in finding someone who is looking for adoption for their newborn or soon to be born little one. I believe in my heart that one day it will happen... I just hate waiting lol. But with all the love and support our friends and family have shown, it is just a matter of when. Friends have shared my blog with others, put on facebook, talked to others in their churches, written letters of recommendations and have kept their ears and eyes open. I cannot thank everyone enough. All I can ask is for everyone to continue to do so. I really do not mind having you guys share my information, story, blog or facebook with others. It is the only way to get the word out. I am starting to get a facebook page connected to my regular page. But I do not want to advertise it until there is pictures up and it looks good. But I want you guys to know that it will be up soon- so hopefully it is another means of media to get out there to people.
Thank you guys again for keeping us in your hearts, thoughts, and prayers. It means the world to us and I just ask that you continue to do so. Without you guys we would be nowhere.

New Outlook on Possibilities

John and I have decided that we are going to look into adoption. We are not giving up on trying to find ways to afford and achieve an IVF cycle but we would love to be able to bring a little one into our loving home that really needs it. Researching adoption is very overwhelming and I cannot believe how expensive it is. There are so many children out there that need a loving home and it seems that there are many hoops that need to be jumped through to even be considered. The cost was shocking actually. It is going to cost more in adoption and adoption fees than it will cost do do IVF. I was talking to a good friend who adopted by doing an open adoption. I was not sure at first how I felt with that idea but the more John and I talk about it that's the way we want to do. Adoption costs so much because you're paying for someone to find a baby for you. Our friend found the birthmother through a friend through a friend through a sister in law. They had tried for a little one for years and with many complications that I have faced. One day she woke up worried about ever being a mommy and in a three week timespan her and her husband held a little newborn baby girl in their hands for the first time. What a beautiful experience. The birthmother was a young women who knew she wasn't ready to be a full time mommy yet. They contacted each other and the birthmother decided that having her baby taken care of by our family friend was the best thing for her baby.
We are going to try to do the same type of thing. We are going to be putting the word out, this being the introduction of how much we would love to adopt a baby that needs a stable loving family. We are asking our friends and family to pass the word around and if they know anyone or know anyone who knows anyone who is pregnant but is not ready to be a full time mommy. The only way our family friend was able to accomplish this was to put the word out and how important it is for everyone to repost, send to others and so on.
I was given an article from one of the parents that I work for about how this family who also had fertility issues made a facebook page and a bithmother found their page. Within days they all met and continued to do so. The birthmother was an older women who had a husband and two or three older children. They were not prepared to be parents of a newborn again. Before the pregnant women and her husband went to an adoption agency they found this family willing to help another family in need. In about 6 months this family was given the best gift in the world.
Things like this happen everyday so why not for John and I? We are going to also make a facebook page- I looked it up and there are alot of pages dedicated to adoption and open adoption. People looking to find their missing piece in life. I will also be adding another blog onto this one. So hopefully having these two means of media plus all our friends and family, we will eventually be able to find a women who needs our help. Please help us in doing it! Think about someone you know or that you have heard about who is in a position that they do not want to be. It is the only way this can work. Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and be apart of our experience.

HEARTBROKEN

I don't understand the beating John and I continue to get while hoping and praying for a baby. We have gone through another cycle with no luck. My eggs just wont work and grow correctly. I didn't write about in hope that not thinking day in and day out about it would help relieve some of the stress. Well I guess it didn't matter. This was our twelfth attempt through the fertility clinic. My doctor who I have come to know really well sat me down on Wednesday after saying that it was another failed attempt. She told me that we can continue and try again once we come up with the money and that she cant tell us we cant but in all her expertise and experience she believes that there is nothing more we can do besides IVF. My body is fighting against the treatments the last three times and she believes I will continue to do so. Thank GOD John was there with me at this appointment. I don't think I could of gotten out of there without him. He wasn't suppose to go and then last minute decided he better. My doctor gave us some brochures on Kaiser's IVF program and a Chase application for financial help. Ummm thanks but I don't see that happening. Between me making pocket change and with John out of a job for two years there is no way Chase will say sure lets give you guys some money. Of coarse we signed up anyways and prayed but again with no luck. If anyone wants to lend us their credit we would be in debt to you forever! lol. Kaiser's IVF program is very good and well known around the country. It ONLY costs $9,000 plus the cost of meds. If anyone one knows pricing on IVF that is a pretty good price. My doctor said she has no doubt that I would be able to get pregnant through IVF and that I am a perfect candidate. For a women my age I have about a 70-75% chance of a successful pregnancy. That is an outrageous number. Those kinds of statistics is what I need  but having money issues with it is heartbreaking. How is average Joe suppose to be able to do this?We don't know how or when but somehow... I guess the only thing we can possible do now is wait- I hate waiting, that's all I ever do. Waiting is the worst thing ever- not being able to do anything. I'm so beyond stressed out just thinking about it. Work has been so hard this week trying to emotionally keep everything together. Thank God it is Friday! Thanks for reading guys- Love you all.

It Just Keeps Coming...

So last week my lovely period came very unexpectedly. After the doctors canceled my cycle because of my eggs not cooperating with my body and the medicine I went into "give up" mode for a while. I couldn't believe that after everything else that has gone wrong on the fertility end the last 5 years that my body could do even more to work against me. I was shocked I guess is the right way to put it. It was something that hit me more emotionally and mentally than any of the other tries. I stopped talking about it and stayed in bed and to myself for awhile. but I'm back now and ready to try again...hopefully.
But anyways... with my period starting it meant that after they cancelled the cycle my egg(s) decided to grow slowly on their own and I ovulated but it was way past the time I should of causing me to have a period very late in my cycle. I shouldn't of ovulated or had a period this month. I just don't understand what my body is thinking- it's like its against me the whole way. We were going to start another cycle starting with provera the first of February and now we cannot. I can't even start the provera (to make me have a period) for 2 more weeks because it decided to just show up on its own. I have to wait because I cannot have a period so close together. Now again I'm waiting... to wait some more. I am feeling more and more stressed everyday. I try breathing and telling myself that stressing isn't helping anything- it's so much easier said than done. The doctors are beginning to get concerned about my reaction to the medicine. I am afraid that I am going to be cut off soon and that scares me more than anything. We do not have any other options fertility wise because of the high cost of the next step... again more stress to deal and think about. - I need a drink lol.
Well, I'm just venting- thanks for listening.

The Feeling of Hopelessness

I really don't even know what to say... This cycle has turned completely negative. What hurts the most that it is like my body just gave up on me. Things were going fine- eggs were growing, medicine was working and then all of a sudden nothing. My eggs stopped getting bigger and actually they started shrinking. Yesterday I did not have a single viable egg and I had about 10 eggs/follicles that were at 8mm- Which is the reason for all my swelling and bloating (my pants don't even fit right). Being so late in my cycle with nothing to work with the doctors cancelled my treatment. All the money, time and pain that went into it was for nothing.
It turns out that my PCOS is the cause of this cycle's turn of events. Like it doesn't get in my way enough. The hormones in my body has caused the fertility drug to stop working like it should. It's almost like the extra hormones that the PCOS causes counter acted the medicine. It is so depressing, I don't know what to do or what the next step is. The doctor told me that we cannot do what we have been doing fertility wise so she has to change the treatment. So there is one of two options- 1 to do a treatment that may cause no growth or option 2 do a treatment that may cause too much growth. Either way the chances are not good and I do not like this feeling of helplessness. It's just not fair. If it's not one thing it's another. John and I are not giving up we just don't know what to do. I'm going to email my doctor to talk more about options but there's not much left. This cancelled cycle cost us almost $3,000. We don't know when financially we will be able to do anything. There has to be more answers out there. Not giving up... Not giving up... Not ever giving up!!