Lying Here With My Mind Going a Mile a Minute

I'm lying here with my wonderful husband on one hip and my protective dog on the other. Most nights I feel so content and happy knowing I have two very important things in my life with me, but tonight I cannot help but feel empty. I know I shouldn't feel this way. That I should be happy with all that I have and not dwell on the things that I do not. But it's been hard very hard lately and I cannot seem to get out of this funk. And now it is midnight and I am hours past my bedtime but I cannot get my mind to turn off. It is going a mile a minute with no letting up. I am very thankful for the life that I have and the wonderful, caring, and understanding husband that is my world. I have an amazing family and loving friends but I feel incomplete. Like my heart has a hole in it that is desperately wanting to be filled and is aching while waiting for that time to happen. I nor is John ever giving up but as the days, months and years continue to fly by with no sign of anything changing, I have to wonder if it will ever happen. Days like today when, when I am down, seem to be more frequent and it scares the hell out of me. I'm scared that I will continue to have that hole that will never be filled, though throughout all of this I can be forever thankful for my relationship with John. I truly believe we have grown stronger and closer with every passing week. I cannot believe how strong he is and I know for a fact I would not be a strong as I am without him. Thank you to him and thanks to all of you. You guys are the ones that keep me sane and positive. I would be nowhere without you all as well.
Thank you with all of my heart!

Hey guys it has been a while...

Hey guys it has been a while... Well, first things first nothing has changed on the whole baby front. We are still thousands and thousands away from our goal to be able to do IVF. Though we are trying and not giving up- one way or another we will grow our family... Also, the pills that I was taking- Fertil Aid did not work. Not only did it not regulate my system it created even more havic to it. I was on a period for over 2 months! Not sure if it is my messed up system that was the cause or the pills but the ingredients in the pills were mainly the same ingerdiants as prenadals and I have taken them before so I really dont think they were the cause of it all. I started the week I left for my Florida trip in July and have had it since. I went to the doctors in mid sept for a lovely pap and to ask what to do about my abviously too long of a period. The doctor did not seem too worried about it but said that we need to get it under control. So fearing of what she was about to say she put my on a month of birth control pills- not something someone wants to hear when all she ever thinks about is getting pregnant. But I chalked it up and did not even cry. I figured better now then later on down the road when things could be a lot more serious. Out of the one month of pills it took a week and a half until my body stopped feeling nauseated from the medicine. I tried taking it in the evening hoping to sleep the feeling away and it still did no good. I woke up constintly feeling as if I was going to be sick, but my period had stopped so I wanted to continue knowing that was what my body needed to do. So, finally I start feeling better as a whole and then two days ago (still having 2 weeks left of this one month) I start cramping and bloating horribly. And then it came this sickning period from hell complete with cramping and clotting! I wouldnt feel so out of it if it was something I expected like when I was on my fertility medicine- you knew it was coming(if you wernt pregnant) this time though, it completly hit me off guard and hit me like a bag of bricks. I went to email my "girly" doctor to ask her whats going on but she is out of the office until later this week so I emailed my fertility doctor hoping she can help. I told her that I know my body is "special" but I need to know if I am ok. My pap came back fine and my uterus looked and felt fine at my last appointment so I dont know what is gong on. It would be different if I was at the end of the birth control pills but I am a little over half done and going crazy! All I want is something- anything to go right!!! There has to be good news out there somewhere. Im going nuts with all the negative feeling lately. I need/want good feelings, its just so hard to do when you get hit over and over...