Loving and Amazing Husband

Normally, my blog is a way to get the drama of my infertility off my chest so I don't explode. Today however, I want to take a minute to talk about my wonderful and supportive husband. Without him, there would be no us and no dream of a little one. Knowing that I have him in my corner brings me comfort. Days may past when we do not talk or bring up the baby stuff but I know it goes without saying, everyday, he will do whatever it takes to make my- and our dreams come true. I know that this has been very hard for him as well even though he does not wear his feelings on his sleeve like I do. But, when I'm on the emotional and physical roller coaster he is right there on it with me. It is hard sometimes for me to thank him enough or to let him know how much he means to me. We both are in better places because of each other.
Saying that, I came home last night to a gift from my husband that made me cry like a baby. He bought it for me and said he just couldn't wait til Christmas to give it to me. Well, he bought me a bracelet but not any old bracelet but a PCOS Fertility Bracelet. Each stone, jewel, and charm means something in the fertility world. I absolutely love it and wish I would never have to take it off.

So here it is...

Sorry this is as big as I can make it. For some reason all the pictures upload in "portrait"...

Holiday Time

Things here are the same. Always staying hopeful but wondering when our time will come. I'm looking forward to the holidays and cannot believe Thanksgiving is next week! The holidays are always fun and brings our family closer. I'm really looking forward to our trip down to Fresno and then to Monterey. We did Monterey last year at Thanksgiving and it was beautiful! We were there for the tree lighting ceremony, carolers, and even Santa not to mention being at the ocean. I can't wait. The holidays on the other hand are very hard at the same time. It's a reminder that it's been a whole other year without accomplishing our dream. It reminds me every year when we say by Christmas next year.. Or how special Christmas would be knowing there's a little one on the way and their first Christmas present from us. It's all things that we don't stop thinking about. But during this time it feels amplified.
I do want to thank everyone for all of your love and support. All the different ways from thinking about you cards to emails to Ellen, wishes to radio stations and daily thoughts and prayers. Without all of you, times like now would be even harder. I'm most thankful for all of you! Thank you!!

Lying Here With My Mind Going a Mile a Minute

I'm lying here with my wonderful husband on one hip and my protective dog on the other. Most nights I feel so content and happy knowing I have two very important things in my life with me, but tonight I cannot help but feel empty. I know I shouldn't feel this way. That I should be happy with all that I have and not dwell on the things that I do not. But it's been hard very hard lately and I cannot seem to get out of this funk. And now it is midnight and I am hours past my bedtime but I cannot get my mind to turn off. It is going a mile a minute with no letting up. I am very thankful for the life that I have and the wonderful, caring, and understanding husband that is my world. I have an amazing family and loving friends but I feel incomplete. Like my heart has a hole in it that is desperately wanting to be filled and is aching while waiting for that time to happen. I nor is John ever giving up but as the days, months and years continue to fly by with no sign of anything changing, I have to wonder if it will ever happen. Days like today when, when I am down, seem to be more frequent and it scares the hell out of me. I'm scared that I will continue to have that hole that will never be filled, though throughout all of this I can be forever thankful for my relationship with John. I truly believe we have grown stronger and closer with every passing week. I cannot believe how strong he is and I know for a fact I would not be a strong as I am without him. Thank you to him and thanks to all of you. You guys are the ones that keep me sane and positive. I would be nowhere without you all as well.
Thank you with all of my heart!

Hey guys it has been a while...

Hey guys it has been a while... Well, first things first nothing has changed on the whole baby front. We are still thousands and thousands away from our goal to be able to do IVF. Though we are trying and not giving up- one way or another we will grow our family... Also, the pills that I was taking- Fertil Aid did not work. Not only did it not regulate my system it created even more havic to it. I was on a period for over 2 months! Not sure if it is my messed up system that was the cause or the pills but the ingredients in the pills were mainly the same ingerdiants as prenadals and I have taken them before so I really dont think they were the cause of it all. I started the week I left for my Florida trip in July and have had it since. I went to the doctors in mid sept for a lovely pap and to ask what to do about my abviously too long of a period. The doctor did not seem too worried about it but said that we need to get it under control. So fearing of what she was about to say she put my on a month of birth control pills- not something someone wants to hear when all she ever thinks about is getting pregnant. But I chalked it up and did not even cry. I figured better now then later on down the road when things could be a lot more serious. Out of the one month of pills it took a week and a half until my body stopped feeling nauseated from the medicine. I tried taking it in the evening hoping to sleep the feeling away and it still did no good. I woke up constintly feeling as if I was going to be sick, but my period had stopped so I wanted to continue knowing that was what my body needed to do. So, finally I start feeling better as a whole and then two days ago (still having 2 weeks left of this one month) I start cramping and bloating horribly. And then it came this sickning period from hell complete with cramping and clotting! I wouldnt feel so out of it if it was something I expected like when I was on my fertility medicine- you knew it was coming(if you wernt pregnant) this time though, it completly hit me off guard and hit me like a bag of bricks. I went to email my "girly" doctor to ask her whats going on but she is out of the office until later this week so I emailed my fertility doctor hoping she can help. I told her that I know my body is "special" but I need to know if I am ok. My pap came back fine and my uterus looked and felt fine at my last appointment so I dont know what is gong on. It would be different if I was at the end of the birth control pills but I am a little over half done and going crazy! All I want is something- anything to go right!!! There has to be good news out there somewhere. Im going nuts with all the negative feeling lately. I need/want good feelings, its just so hard to do when you get hit over and over...

Taking One Day at a Time

Hey everyone I hadn't written in awhile so I figured I should. Things here are the same for the most part. John and I have started our plan/budget to start saving the most amount we can without starving or going with no electricity. Hopefully this will be month one with the whole execution of our plan. It is going to take much longer than I would ever hoped it would but at least I feel that we are on the right track. On another note, John and I purchased Fertilaid and I have been taking it for 23 days now. So far I am pleased with the pills. There were people who were complaining about upset stomachs and not feeling good after taking them. I have learned through experience that with any kinda vitamins, you cannot take them on an empty stomach. Fertilaid is suppose to regulate your system which interns helps with cycles and also counts as a prenatal vitamin as well. I normally do not get periods due to my lack of ovulation but since taking it I have already had a period and I have a better way of tracking what is happening in my body. I am hoping to start my period again so I can have a timeline and something I can work with. The next step is hopefully ovulating and timing it all correctly. But for right this moment I am very happy that a period has even come. Now to wait and see hopefully in the next 3ish weeks it will come again. It is hard to say- my cycles are always long, even when taking fertility meds, they were a 35-45 dayish cycle. (the average is 28 days). But I will be keeping my fingers crossed, hoping to be able to start that savings account, and praying that this may work one day-in the not too far future. The hardest part is just taking one day at a time but I know one way or another our hopes and dreams will come true! Love y'all!

Feel Like Screaming... lol

Lol is because I am trying to stay positive throughout everything and for some reason reading lol makes me smile. I truley feel like screaming on the inside. I feel like we are never going to reach our goal and that there are too many objects and things that are blocking us from getting where we want to be. I know I have said this before but I do not understand why it has to be so hard. I dont want life to be easy- that would make it no fun but a little help would lift so much stress off my shoulders. I do not sleep at night like I use to. I cannot seem to turn my mind off making me exhausted throughout the day. My energy level is completly drained and I hate that. I wake up go to work come home eat dinner and go to "sleep" because I dont have the energy to do anything else. It is very frustrating to not have control of my emotions/body. I have talked to my fertiltiy doctor concerned about my PCOS and the effects it has been having. Honestly she didnt sound like there was too much that I can do. She said I can go to therapy and talk about these issues and that may help with stuff. Also, if I loose weight I should feel better as well. But I didnt get any help and support with dealing with my PCOS. She told me straight up that women with my serverity of my condition almost impossible to loose weight. So saying that how the hell am I suppose to do it. She recommended a few websites which I have have found helpful and told me to look into a product callled FertilAid. It looks interesting. Kinda pricy but no where near the price of fertility treatments. She said that everyone is different and that many women have found this helpful and were able to regualte the cycles but that was the same with clomid- works for most but not for me. I want to be positive about it and I am definitaly thinking about trying it It is at least worth a try. If it would help even a little bit then I think it will be worth it. Heres the website for it and the page about PCOS. ... Just wondering what your thoughts are...
http://www.fertilaid.com/pcos-infertility.html
Its not something that my dr can perscribe beacuse it is not something they work with but she has heard good things about it...

Mentally Drained

I have been doing so well with many new events and things going on in my life right now. I have focused a lot on thinking and researching different adoption options and how to move forward. Timing and money seems to be the key to everything- just like everything else in life. As I continue to work towards my ultimate goal of having a child my husband and I can love and call our own, my heart is aching for it to happen. I have been thinking a lot lately about IVF and our options on that. It has never been something that we wanted to give up on but it still seems so out of reach. I haven't been sleeping at night because I cannot turn my brain off. The thoughts and worry of never being pregnant or adopting scares the crap out of me. Wondering if our luck financially or any of our luck will turn around. At least when we were doing our treatments we were trying everything in our power to make this happen. But now I feel lost. The doctors will not do anymore treatments because my body cannot handle anymore and I understand that. It's just a very hard concept to grasp. Our only option is IVF now and right now that is not an option. People say to just save money and you will get there. That is so not the case. Ya we can save- were trying to as we speak. But living pay check to pay check does not give us a lot of room to wiggle. I am thinking about getting a second job so that money would go directly into a savings account but with how exhausted I am
now concerns me but I've done three jobs at once- I can do two but still at this rate we are looking at years before we would be able to come up with enough money to give it a try. In the grand scheme of things $10,000 is not a lot of money and many people can come up with that money in days- I just don't know those kind of people. I hate this feeling. It doesn't go away. I was hoping that as time went on and life moves on, as it goes so quickly, that the pain would not continue to hurt as bad but as of now I was wrong. If anything it gets worse and the light after the tunnel seems to get dimmer and dimmer. I'm praying that one day these thoughts, worries and pain will be just a distant memory from the past and oh what a story we can tell our little one but til then it's just seems so hopeless.