Conflicted

Wow, it has been awhile! I didn't realize that it has been over 6 months!! Mostly, I haven't written because nothing has happened or has changed since January. We are still waiting and hoping to save up enough money to afford an IVF cycle. We are getting closer and are getting more excited about being closer. We will know in the next month or so what/when we can do it! Monday I am calling the clinic to go in for our first consultation with my infertility and IVF specialist. We have lots of questions for him and I am excited to be able to get them answered and to find out what is best for us. It is hard to know before hand what is exactly going to happen because each case is different because each couple is different; so which medicines I am going to have to be using, for how long and on what cycle days... who knows. I don't like not knowing so this appointment is going to be very informative and I am READY!
The biggest question and info that I want to discuss is the eggs. They do not want to create multiple births because multiples like twins, triplets and more usually have lower birth weights and are early or premature. Now I totally understand and I am not looking to be octo-mom but twins would be amazing! Our life savings has been put into this procedure and much of our life has been put on hold because financially this is the road we decided to choose. So if I can get a healthy baby.. or two- I don't even have the words to express what I am thinking right now. With them not wanting to create multiples they really only want to put 1 egg back into me. That freaks me out! All this money and all this hope to only put one in! They say that if that one doesn't take than they will do another cycle at a discount. Again, I see their point but if it didn't take it the first time there's no guarantee that the second one will take- it will also be a frozen one so it drops a few percentages in probability of implanting. So why would I want that if a fresh healthy one didn't take?! I can beg and ask them to put two in but if either one of them don't take then we will be back at zero and will have to go through everything again including the financial aspect of it all. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place and don't know which to choose. And even if there is two put in there is NO guarantee that both or any will take. I just don't know what to do!!! What would you choose?? I am so conflicted! Saving the money would be great by getting it discounted- more than half but at the same time unsure if it will take either time or putting in two and hoping at least one takes if not both... I need help!!
I will continue to write on here now that things are starting to move right along... slowly.... But I really love you guys and all your support you continue to give me and my family. It amazes me how many friends we have and how much we are loved and sorry for all the rambling, I needed to get it out!!

New Hope

I hope everyone has had a great beginning to 2013! When this year started, we were not sure how we were going to get through it. It started so horribly we were lost and worried, but we got through it and now starting over. Staying positive and staying on top is the key!We have a plan this year and I am excited and hopeful.
I wanted to talk to you guys about Tutus for Hope. I created this for a few reasons. One to help John and  I reach our goal of saving $12,000 for an IVF cycle and two to keep my mind busy. $12,000 is such a crazy amount of money to us and a shame that this is what it has come down to. Also, the more things that I have going on the less I have time to think about not having $12,000. I am both amazed and thankful to everyone who has liked, shared, commented on and printed/handed out the fliers and supported my Facebook page. I am so grateful to those around me and the orders I have already gotten! Its so amazing and wonderful!. Lets keep getting the word out! I want to have so many tutus to make, my fingers hurt :)

Here is the link to the Facebook page: Please share share share :)
www.facebook/Tutus4Hope

Here's a picture of the flier. I really need to figure out how to make a link to this and the order form. Still working on all the fine tweaks...

2013!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas this past week. I cannot believe how fast time flies! I am sad that the excitement of the holiday season is coming to an end but the stress of it is officially over. Praying that 2013 will be the year for John and I. We had such a beautiful Christmas with our family. First time in years that both my brothers were here which made the holiday that much sweeter. It was definitely hard saying good bye and returning to work but life must keep going...
This Christmas seemed harder than the previous ones but I stayed strong- most of the time and my wonderful husband was there for me throughout it all. I have no idea where I would be without him. We are continuing to try to stay positive and John truly believes this is our year- I have to believe it too, he has such a  positive presents about himself. Through all the ups, I did have downs, the the thought of family and the joy of Christmas morning, and my regular self thought got to me a few times. I was good until I was at the store and the nice little lady behind the counter asked me if I wanted the babydoll in a large bag so I can sneak it in the house without my little one seeing it. I made it out of the store but not to the car without tears streaming down my face but again, John was right there and held my hand and kissed my forehead. The holidays are always a reminder for us that its been another year without our dreams being answered. 2013 2013 2013- it will be our year!!

Saying that, I need to figure out how to make extra money to start our baby fund. Hoping January we will be able to get it rolling. We just don't have enough coming and staying in to be able to save nice chunks of change. I want to get a second job but don't have a way to do it with having one car and working throughout the entire day. I need like a side job, to make things or something like that. If anyone has any ideas let me know! At least to get the ball rolling...
Love ya all and please have a safe New Years!!!!!

Loving and Amazing Husband

Normally, my blog is a way to get the drama of my infertility off my chest so I don't explode. Today however, I want to take a minute to talk about my wonderful and supportive husband. Without him, there would be no us and no dream of a little one. Knowing that I have him in my corner brings me comfort. Days may past when we do not talk or bring up the baby stuff but I know it goes without saying, everyday, he will do whatever it takes to make my- and our dreams come true. I know that this has been very hard for him as well even though he does not wear his feelings on his sleeve like I do. But, when I'm on the emotional and physical roller coaster he is right there on it with me. It is hard sometimes for me to thank him enough or to let him know how much he means to me. We both are in better places because of each other.
Saying that, I came home last night to a gift from my husband that made me cry like a baby. He bought it for me and said he just couldn't wait til Christmas to give it to me. Well, he bought me a bracelet but not any old bracelet but a PCOS Fertility Bracelet. Each stone, jewel, and charm means something in the fertility world. I absolutely love it and wish I would never have to take it off.

So here it is...

Sorry this is as big as I can make it. For some reason all the pictures upload in "portrait"...

Hey guys it has been a while...

Hey guys it has been a while... Well, first things first nothing has changed on the whole baby front. We are still thousands and thousands away from our goal to be able to do IVF. Though we are trying and not giving up- one way or another we will grow our family... Also, the pills that I was taking- Fertil Aid did not work. Not only did it not regulate my system it created even more havic to it. I was on a period for over 2 months! Not sure if it is my messed up system that was the cause or the pills but the ingredients in the pills were mainly the same ingerdiants as prenadals and I have taken them before so I really dont think they were the cause of it all. I started the week I left for my Florida trip in July and have had it since. I went to the doctors in mid sept for a lovely pap and to ask what to do about my abviously too long of a period. The doctor did not seem too worried about it but said that we need to get it under control. So fearing of what she was about to say she put my on a month of birth control pills- not something someone wants to hear when all she ever thinks about is getting pregnant. But I chalked it up and did not even cry. I figured better now then later on down the road when things could be a lot more serious. Out of the one month of pills it took a week and a half until my body stopped feeling nauseated from the medicine. I tried taking it in the evening hoping to sleep the feeling away and it still did no good. I woke up constintly feeling as if I was going to be sick, but my period had stopped so I wanted to continue knowing that was what my body needed to do. So, finally I start feeling better as a whole and then two days ago (still having 2 weeks left of this one month) I start cramping and bloating horribly. And then it came this sickning period from hell complete with cramping and clotting! I wouldnt feel so out of it if it was something I expected like when I was on my fertility medicine- you knew it was coming(if you wernt pregnant) this time though, it completly hit me off guard and hit me like a bag of bricks. I went to email my "girly" doctor to ask her whats going on but she is out of the office until later this week so I emailed my fertility doctor hoping she can help. I told her that I know my body is "special" but I need to know if I am ok. My pap came back fine and my uterus looked and felt fine at my last appointment so I dont know what is gong on. It would be different if I was at the end of the birth control pills but I am a little over half done and going crazy! All I want is something- anything to go right!!! There has to be good news out there somewhere. Im going nuts with all the negative feeling lately. I need/want good feelings, its just so hard to do when you get hit over and over...

Taking One Day at a Time

Hey everyone I hadn't written in awhile so I figured I should. Things here are the same for the most part. John and I have started our plan/budget to start saving the most amount we can without starving or going with no electricity. Hopefully this will be month one with the whole execution of our plan. It is going to take much longer than I would ever hoped it would but at least I feel that we are on the right track. On another note, John and I purchased Fertilaid and I have been taking it for 23 days now. So far I am pleased with the pills. There were people who were complaining about upset stomachs and not feeling good after taking them. I have learned through experience that with any kinda vitamins, you cannot take them on an empty stomach. Fertilaid is suppose to regulate your system which interns helps with cycles and also counts as a prenatal vitamin as well. I normally do not get periods due to my lack of ovulation but since taking it I have already had a period and I have a better way of tracking what is happening in my body. I am hoping to start my period again so I can have a timeline and something I can work with. The next step is hopefully ovulating and timing it all correctly. But for right this moment I am very happy that a period has even come. Now to wait and see hopefully in the next 3ish weeks it will come again. It is hard to say- my cycles are always long, even when taking fertility meds, they were a 35-45 dayish cycle. (the average is 28 days). But I will be keeping my fingers crossed, hoping to be able to start that savings account, and praying that this may work one day-in the not too far future. The hardest part is just taking one day at a time but I know one way or another our hopes and dreams will come true! Love y'all!

Feel Like Screaming... lol

Lol is because I am trying to stay positive throughout everything and for some reason reading lol makes me smile. I truley feel like screaming on the inside. I feel like we are never going to reach our goal and that there are too many objects and things that are blocking us from getting where we want to be. I know I have said this before but I do not understand why it has to be so hard. I dont want life to be easy- that would make it no fun but a little help would lift so much stress off my shoulders. I do not sleep at night like I use to. I cannot seem to turn my mind off making me exhausted throughout the day. My energy level is completly drained and I hate that. I wake up go to work come home eat dinner and go to "sleep" because I dont have the energy to do anything else. It is very frustrating to not have control of my emotions/body. I have talked to my fertiltiy doctor concerned about my PCOS and the effects it has been having. Honestly she didnt sound like there was too much that I can do. She said I can go to therapy and talk about these issues and that may help with stuff. Also, if I loose weight I should feel better as well. But I didnt get any help and support with dealing with my PCOS. She told me straight up that women with my serverity of my condition almost impossible to loose weight. So saying that how the hell am I suppose to do it. She recommended a few websites which I have have found helpful and told me to look into a product callled FertilAid. It looks interesting. Kinda pricy but no where near the price of fertility treatments. She said that everyone is different and that many women have found this helpful and were able to regualte the cycles but that was the same with clomid- works for most but not for me. I want to be positive about it and I am definitaly thinking about trying it It is at least worth a try. If it would help even a little bit then I think it will be worth it. Heres the website for it and the page about PCOS. ... Just wondering what your thoughts are...
http://www.fertilaid.com/pcos-infertility.html
Its not something that my dr can perscribe beacuse it is not something they work with but she has heard good things about it...

Mentally Drained

I have been doing so well with many new events and things going on in my life right now. I have focused a lot on thinking and researching different adoption options and how to move forward. Timing and money seems to be the key to everything- just like everything else in life. As I continue to work towards my ultimate goal of having a child my husband and I can love and call our own, my heart is aching for it to happen. I have been thinking a lot lately about IVF and our options on that. It has never been something that we wanted to give up on but it still seems so out of reach. I haven't been sleeping at night because I cannot turn my brain off. The thoughts and worry of never being pregnant or adopting scares the crap out of me. Wondering if our luck financially or any of our luck will turn around. At least when we were doing our treatments we were trying everything in our power to make this happen. But now I feel lost. The doctors will not do anymore treatments because my body cannot handle anymore and I understand that. It's just a very hard concept to grasp. Our only option is IVF now and right now that is not an option. People say to just save money and you will get there. That is so not the case. Ya we can save- were trying to as we speak. But living pay check to pay check does not give us a lot of room to wiggle. I am thinking about getting a second job so that money would go directly into a savings account but with how exhausted I am
now concerns me but I've done three jobs at once- I can do two but still at this rate we are looking at years before we would be able to come up with enough money to give it a try. In the grand scheme of things $10,000 is not a lot of money and many people can come up with that money in days- I just don't know those kind of people. I hate this feeling. It doesn't go away. I was hoping that as time went on and life moves on, as it goes so quickly, that the pain would not continue to hurt as bad but as of now I was wrong. If anything it gets worse and the light after the tunnel seems to get dimmer and dimmer. I'm praying that one day these thoughts, worries and pain will be just a distant memory from the past and oh what a story we can tell our little one but til then it's just seems so hopeless.

Thankful

Goodness, I have been feeling overwhelmed with life right now. Everything seems so complicated. Through the compication and the crazy rollercoaster ride, John and I have seemed to have gotten closer-if that is even possible. We have had a relationship from day one that I never knew was even something that can exist. But throughout these past two years of 16 different fertility cycles we have become inseparable. Emotionally there is no way that I could get through everything that we have been through without his love and support. He has been behind me from day one. May 8th will be our "first date" anniversary of 6 years. I cannot believe how time flies but it is amazing when I am with him!
So onto a different note, John and I applied for the IVF loan in hopes that a miracle would happen and we would actually be approved. Unfortunately, though it didn't happen. It was something that we had come to terms with because in our hearts we already knew what the results would be- It was like playing the lotto. We all do it in hopes and prayers with dreams of what will happen if our numbers would be chosen and of coarse the let down afterwards.
I have talked to many different people offering support, stories and suggestions on the want for adoption. I can honestly say I am very excited about what may come out with this. It is great to see and hear from friends and family- even ones that I may not hear from often talking about how they support and want to help us in any way in finding someone who is looking for adoption for their newborn or soon to be born little one. I believe in my heart that one day it will happen... I just hate waiting lol. But with all the love and support our friends and family have shown, it is just a matter of when. Friends have shared my blog with others, put on facebook, talked to others in their churches, written letters of recommendations and have kept their ears and eyes open. I cannot thank everyone enough. All I can ask is for everyone to continue to do so. I really do not mind having you guys share my information, story, blog or facebook with others. It is the only way to get the word out. I am starting to get a facebook page connected to my regular page. But I do not want to advertise it until there is pictures up and it looks good. But I want you guys to know that it will be up soon- so hopefully it is another means of media to get out there to people.
Thank you guys again for keeping us in your hearts, thoughts, and prayers. It means the world to us and I just ask that you continue to do so. Without you guys we would be nowhere.

Fertility Drug- Clomid

Clomid is a fertility drug that helps many women who have a difficult time ovulating and is usually the first drug that is tried. It is a pill that is taken on specific days of your cycle. Timing is everything. I took Clomid for seven  months- it was horrid! The side effects are horrible and it made me feel like crap. I started on the lowest dose and eventually worked towards the max amount. Out of seven months I ovulated twice but never conceived. I believe that was the hardest two months ever. Finally, my body did what it was suppose to and I still couldn't get it right. After doing some research it turns out that even a healthy women with no fertility problems only have between a 10 and 25 percent chance of conceiving even when everything goes well. That means couples can take anywhere from four months and ten months to get pregnant if actively trying- so please ladies do not give up hope especially if you work right. Again, timing is everything.
Depending on the person of coarse depends on your side effects. Lets just say for me when a product says that only 3% of women had nausea, headaches, backaches, and ..... I am in that 3%! Some side effects of clomid include breast aches, headaches, hot flashes, mood swings, bloating, weight gain, and with any fertility drug- twins and multiples. Oh man, the hot flashes and mood swings were horrible! I was so hot that I would wake up in sweat and during the day it was bad. I could feel them coming on. I would look down at my legs and arms and I and my co-workers would be able to watch my skin turn pink. It was very uncomfortable. My husband is the one who can vouch for my mood swings. He was a trooper but its like I could not control myself. Later on, he would tell me stories about me as the "clomid b*tch" that came out frequently. And then not to mention the weight gain and headaches. Weight is a bad issue for anyone with PCOS and then to add on to that issue was not a good thing. But through it all- if I could do it all over again I would. Having a healthy baby is most important to me and I would go through every headache, pound I gained, and every hot hot hot flash I experienced. This road has I believe, made me stronger in the process and know that when our time comes to have a little one it will be the most wonderful and special experience in the world.


I am always googling sites to help find answers to my problems and it is nice to know that I am not alone. So here is a website on clomid. It is full of wonderful information from reason for needing it to how to take it to side effects.
http://infertility.about.com/od/clomid/tp/clomid_information.htm