Conflicted

Wow, it has been awhile! I didn't realize that it has been over 6 months!! Mostly, I haven't written because nothing has happened or has changed since January. We are still waiting and hoping to save up enough money to afford an IVF cycle. We are getting closer and are getting more excited about being closer. We will know in the next month or so what/when we can do it! Monday I am calling the clinic to go in for our first consultation with my infertility and IVF specialist. We have lots of questions for him and I am excited to be able to get them answered and to find out what is best for us. It is hard to know before hand what is exactly going to happen because each case is different because each couple is different; so which medicines I am going to have to be using, for how long and on what cycle days... who knows. I don't like not knowing so this appointment is going to be very informative and I am READY!
The biggest question and info that I want to discuss is the eggs. They do not want to create multiple births because multiples like twins, triplets and more usually have lower birth weights and are early or premature. Now I totally understand and I am not looking to be octo-mom but twins would be amazing! Our life savings has been put into this procedure and much of our life has been put on hold because financially this is the road we decided to choose. So if I can get a healthy baby.. or two- I don't even have the words to express what I am thinking right now. With them not wanting to create multiples they really only want to put 1 egg back into me. That freaks me out! All this money and all this hope to only put one in! They say that if that one doesn't take than they will do another cycle at a discount. Again, I see their point but if it didn't take it the first time there's no guarantee that the second one will take- it will also be a frozen one so it drops a few percentages in probability of implanting. So why would I want that if a fresh healthy one didn't take?! I can beg and ask them to put two in but if either one of them don't take then we will be back at zero and will have to go through everything again including the financial aspect of it all. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place and don't know which to choose. And even if there is two put in there is NO guarantee that both or any will take. I just don't know what to do!!! What would you choose?? I am so conflicted! Saving the money would be great by getting it discounted- more than half but at the same time unsure if it will take either time or putting in two and hoping at least one takes if not both... I need help!!
I will continue to write on here now that things are starting to move right along... slowly.... But I really love you guys and all your support you continue to give me and my family. It amazes me how many friends we have and how much we are loved and sorry for all the rambling, I needed to get it out!!

New Hope

I hope everyone has had a great beginning to 2013! When this year started, we were not sure how we were going to get through it. It started so horribly we were lost and worried, but we got through it and now starting over. Staying positive and staying on top is the key!We have a plan this year and I am excited and hopeful.
I wanted to talk to you guys about Tutus for Hope. I created this for a few reasons. One to help John and  I reach our goal of saving $12,000 for an IVF cycle and two to keep my mind busy. $12,000 is such a crazy amount of money to us and a shame that this is what it has come down to. Also, the more things that I have going on the less I have time to think about not having $12,000. I am both amazed and thankful to everyone who has liked, shared, commented on and printed/handed out the fliers and supported my Facebook page. I am so grateful to those around me and the orders I have already gotten! Its so amazing and wonderful!. Lets keep getting the word out! I want to have so many tutus to make, my fingers hurt :)

Here is the link to the Facebook page: Please share share share :)
www.facebook/Tutus4Hope

Here's a picture of the flier. I really need to figure out how to make a link to this and the order form. Still working on all the fine tweaks...

2013!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas this past week. I cannot believe how fast time flies! I am sad that the excitement of the holiday season is coming to an end but the stress of it is officially over. Praying that 2013 will be the year for John and I. We had such a beautiful Christmas with our family. First time in years that both my brothers were here which made the holiday that much sweeter. It was definitely hard saying good bye and returning to work but life must keep going...
This Christmas seemed harder than the previous ones but I stayed strong- most of the time and my wonderful husband was there for me throughout it all. I have no idea where I would be without him. We are continuing to try to stay positive and John truly believes this is our year- I have to believe it too, he has such a  positive presents about himself. Through all the ups, I did have downs, the the thought of family and the joy of Christmas morning, and my regular self thought got to me a few times. I was good until I was at the store and the nice little lady behind the counter asked me if I wanted the babydoll in a large bag so I can sneak it in the house without my little one seeing it. I made it out of the store but not to the car without tears streaming down my face but again, John was right there and held my hand and kissed my forehead. The holidays are always a reminder for us that its been another year without our dreams being answered. 2013 2013 2013- it will be our year!!

Saying that, I need to figure out how to make extra money to start our baby fund. Hoping January we will be able to get it rolling. We just don't have enough coming and staying in to be able to save nice chunks of change. I want to get a second job but don't have a way to do it with having one car and working throughout the entire day. I need like a side job, to make things or something like that. If anyone has any ideas let me know! At least to get the ball rolling...
Love ya all and please have a safe New Years!!!!!

Loving and Amazing Husband

Normally, my blog is a way to get the drama of my infertility off my chest so I don't explode. Today however, I want to take a minute to talk about my wonderful and supportive husband. Without him, there would be no us and no dream of a little one. Knowing that I have him in my corner brings me comfort. Days may past when we do not talk or bring up the baby stuff but I know it goes without saying, everyday, he will do whatever it takes to make my- and our dreams come true. I know that this has been very hard for him as well even though he does not wear his feelings on his sleeve like I do. But, when I'm on the emotional and physical roller coaster he is right there on it with me. It is hard sometimes for me to thank him enough or to let him know how much he means to me. We both are in better places because of each other.
Saying that, I came home last night to a gift from my husband that made me cry like a baby. He bought it for me and said he just couldn't wait til Christmas to give it to me. Well, he bought me a bracelet but not any old bracelet but a PCOS Fertility Bracelet. Each stone, jewel, and charm means something in the fertility world. I absolutely love it and wish I would never have to take it off.

So here it is...

Sorry this is as big as I can make it. For some reason all the pictures upload in "portrait"...

Holiday Time

Things here are the same. Always staying hopeful but wondering when our time will come. I'm looking forward to the holidays and cannot believe Thanksgiving is next week! The holidays are always fun and brings our family closer. I'm really looking forward to our trip down to Fresno and then to Monterey. We did Monterey last year at Thanksgiving and it was beautiful! We were there for the tree lighting ceremony, carolers, and even Santa not to mention being at the ocean. I can't wait. The holidays on the other hand are very hard at the same time. It's a reminder that it's been a whole other year without accomplishing our dream. It reminds me every year when we say by Christmas next year.. Or how special Christmas would be knowing there's a little one on the way and their first Christmas present from us. It's all things that we don't stop thinking about. But during this time it feels amplified.
I do want to thank everyone for all of your love and support. All the different ways from thinking about you cards to emails to Ellen, wishes to radio stations and daily thoughts and prayers. Without all of you, times like now would be even harder. I'm most thankful for all of you! Thank you!!

Lying Here With My Mind Going a Mile a Minute

I'm lying here with my wonderful husband on one hip and my protective dog on the other. Most nights I feel so content and happy knowing I have two very important things in my life with me, but tonight I cannot help but feel empty. I know I shouldn't feel this way. That I should be happy with all that I have and not dwell on the things that I do not. But it's been hard very hard lately and I cannot seem to get out of this funk. And now it is midnight and I am hours past my bedtime but I cannot get my mind to turn off. It is going a mile a minute with no letting up. I am very thankful for the life that I have and the wonderful, caring, and understanding husband that is my world. I have an amazing family and loving friends but I feel incomplete. Like my heart has a hole in it that is desperately wanting to be filled and is aching while waiting for that time to happen. I nor is John ever giving up but as the days, months and years continue to fly by with no sign of anything changing, I have to wonder if it will ever happen. Days like today when, when I am down, seem to be more frequent and it scares the hell out of me. I'm scared that I will continue to have that hole that will never be filled, though throughout all of this I can be forever thankful for my relationship with John. I truly believe we have grown stronger and closer with every passing week. I cannot believe how strong he is and I know for a fact I would not be a strong as I am without him. Thank you to him and thanks to all of you. You guys are the ones that keep me sane and positive. I would be nowhere without you all as well.
Thank you with all of my heart!

Hey guys it has been a while...

Hey guys it has been a while... Well, first things first nothing has changed on the whole baby front. We are still thousands and thousands away from our goal to be able to do IVF. Though we are trying and not giving up- one way or another we will grow our family... Also, the pills that I was taking- Fertil Aid did not work. Not only did it not regulate my system it created even more havic to it. I was on a period for over 2 months! Not sure if it is my messed up system that was the cause or the pills but the ingredients in the pills were mainly the same ingerdiants as prenadals and I have taken them before so I really dont think they were the cause of it all. I started the week I left for my Florida trip in July and have had it since. I went to the doctors in mid sept for a lovely pap and to ask what to do about my abviously too long of a period. The doctor did not seem too worried about it but said that we need to get it under control. So fearing of what she was about to say she put my on a month of birth control pills- not something someone wants to hear when all she ever thinks about is getting pregnant. But I chalked it up and did not even cry. I figured better now then later on down the road when things could be a lot more serious. Out of the one month of pills it took a week and a half until my body stopped feeling nauseated from the medicine. I tried taking it in the evening hoping to sleep the feeling away and it still did no good. I woke up constintly feeling as if I was going to be sick, but my period had stopped so I wanted to continue knowing that was what my body needed to do. So, finally I start feeling better as a whole and then two days ago (still having 2 weeks left of this one month) I start cramping and bloating horribly. And then it came this sickning period from hell complete with cramping and clotting! I wouldnt feel so out of it if it was something I expected like when I was on my fertility medicine- you knew it was coming(if you wernt pregnant) this time though, it completly hit me off guard and hit me like a bag of bricks. I went to email my "girly" doctor to ask her whats going on but she is out of the office until later this week so I emailed my fertility doctor hoping she can help. I told her that I know my body is "special" but I need to know if I am ok. My pap came back fine and my uterus looked and felt fine at my last appointment so I dont know what is gong on. It would be different if I was at the end of the birth control pills but I am a little over half done and going crazy! All I want is something- anything to go right!!! There has to be good news out there somewhere. Im going nuts with all the negative feeling lately. I need/want good feelings, its just so hard to do when you get hit over and over...